Am I Really HereAm I Really Here
As I was driving to my destination I was pleased with myself for what I was getting ready to process yet it was all done online; some ways I am still in disbelief that I was getting ready to try one more time.
I parked my car as if it belonged there; got out my car and walked along the path like it was the yellow brick road on my way to see the Wizard of Oz. As I was looking about at all the people walking past me and around me from all walks of life and possibly religious beliefs; we all belonged here for one reason or another. They didn’t know me and didn’t know them but it didn’t matter; all I know is that I was here.
The path led me to a brick building which should have the words saying “Start Here-- Watch Your Life Begin.” I approached the building. It was standing there strong and secure as if the doors were opening just for me to enter in. This was the first step to a new beginning.
It was the administration building; the first building you go to to start the process to this college in my town that I live in. Yes, I was going back to school; but not just school; I was going back to college yet doing it in my fifties. I guess it would be thought of for me to have grandchildren about me; but that isn’t the case yet I don’t feel any remorse that there are not any about my feet or on my lap asking for Grandma-ma to read them a book or tuck them in to bed but not rushing my eldest children to give them to me for they have plans otherwise for their lives.
I am not some young girl right out of high school but a woman that has been married, divorced, and raised children; two that have already graduated from high school many years ago and one more at home getting prepared to graduate from high school. I was taking my turn at something I had put on the back burner of my life. I had tried before; but found that I was not one of those “SUPERWOMEN”, going to work, taking care of husband needs, home, buying the bacon, frying it up in the pan, and raise children; for I was not about to kill myself over success or achieving the “GREAT WIFE AND MOMMY AWARD”, so college was not the award I chose to go after during that time but I attempted it every chance I got and found it was not my time yet.
Looking back at it now; since my kids are doing well in their life…I think I made the correct decision; but still I feel something is missing in my life. I don’t know if it is school or if it is something else but I thought…if I can…I am going to give this a shot. What could it hurt? It can only make me more of a person with more things to think about. I have laugh at that; for I think too much as it is now.
As I entered the building I just stood there frozen shaking my head as my inner voice was asking me, “What are you doing here? If you are going to be here…then make a move. Don’t just stand here looking like a fool…. MOVE!” I even took the time to answer in my quiet voice within, “because I have put it off long enough; but it is a little scary. True, I don’t want this to intimidate me any longer so, I guess, yes..I will take the following steps forward.
It is amazing all the excuses you can find not to do something than the ideas to do it. You can find all the rational and irrational reason not to do something and they seem to all sound like that right things to do or act upon. It is amazing how we were given free choice but have difficulty making the choices.
Am I doing it to prove anything? Yes and no! I have nothing to prove to anyone but myself; when one is missing something in life sometimes it could be more education or it could be a love life….or both or something else entirely.
Do I feel incomplete? No, for I don’t think anyone is fully complete till they have done all they have set out to achieve in the first place; plus ideas and dreams can change as time goes by. And no, this is not fulfilling my Bucket List (the movie); it is like my Shoulda, Coulda, and Whoulda List. Should I do this? Could I do this? Would you do this?
Do I feel that I was cheated of my youth? I would like to say no; but you had to know of the short leash I was place upon by my parents....but that was my parents chose and I was not one to do too much upraising….not unless I wanted to be punished. I did what I was allowed and supposed to do while living with my parents. I just think now I am more serious about it and it is more about me than what my parents wanted for me to be.
Now the youngest seems to be on the right road of school success, grade point average strong, behaving, and I am doing what they say in the rule of parenting of having kids in school…keeping in touch with the school and my child to see if we are all on the same page….why not go back. You can teach a person to fish…doesn’t mean they are going to catch anything or even take what they were taught in action; but I can say I did my part.
Do I think I am unintelligent? No, for you don’t stop learning till you are dead; and no one has come back from the dead to tell me differently….so the answer is still…..no. Do I want to learn more? Yes, most definitely. I consider myself still curious about things and life. I don’t think you could know or learn enough in this vast universe we live in. I can hear my belated father voice saying, “You learn something new every day.” I have to put a clause to that dad, “as long as you keep your eyes and ears open then yes, you do learn something new every day. Thanks Dad! Or the old adage, “you can lead the horse to water; but you can’t make him drink.” I think you get the gist of what I am saying. You either do or you don’t do!
Here I am at the financial counter seeing if everything is in order, the classes I signed up are showing, and with confirmation from the staff all is in order. The young lady at the counter boosted my confidence even more when she complimented me that I was more prepared than those that have been going for a long time. See, mom…I can read…I have to laugh at that; for my mom is not the most positive person to me. She can sometimes make you feel like you don’t have a brain in my head…you have to know her...so I will digress and leave you thinking of her. If you read this mom….don’t take offense; it is just how it was with you and I.
Now all I had to do is find a counselor and then a program to help me since I have been placed as disabled and on Social Security at my age; but life can give you the rotten apples that I chose not to eat. I literally worked my butt off for what…not even to take care of my medical…but GOD has my back…literally; so I am not worried.
Being the detective of my nature; I read the catalog I found that there was an organization that could assist me so I could keep up with classes if pain or discomfort would slow me down. “Closed mouth won’t get fed” so I asked them about all they could do for me. I was pleased even to the point that they could get audio books for me if it would help. Oh happy day!
Just before class started I sat my teenage son down and had a conversation with him to let him know that I was still here for him; but if he felt that my going to school was in the way of me assisting him I would pull out. He was determined and proud that I was doing this so he rest assured me he would be fine and to GO FOR IT MOM!
Here it is the first day of school and I am right up front so I don’t miss a word of the lecture. I watch the students walk in some looking happy some with the expression of indifference. They are of all different ages and ethnic backgrounds. The professor of the class comes in, surveys the classroom, clears his throat and begins. I am now official a college student again. I am really here.
Mozette
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